Dear World,
Why does it seem like everything comes in spells of great amount at bad times? When things seem to be going good there's always something that creeps in to destroy it. Why is that? It leaves you feeling torn between the good and the bad. And it's sad mostly because you'd like to enjoy the good but the bad overshadows it. It's a sad fact of life that people focus on the negative instead of the positive. Sometimes I catch myself doing this and I loathe myself for it. But sometimes bad things pile up and then you're stuck thinking about them. One of the things I hate most is feeling torn about anything but currently I am torn about everything. The only thing steady and constant in my life is my job, which is good but also bad. I want to feel sure about other things as well.
My heart currently feels like a punching bag that no one cares about. It's been used and abused and it's on it's last leg so if you get a chance pray for my heart. It could use some TLC and a good purge with straight alcohol. There's so much negativity hidden within my heart that won't go away and I'm so sad that I don't know what to do. My brain is telling me to just give up while my heart says to keep fighting cause there's a chance. I don't know which one to believe. I hate having hope for something that won't happen though; it makes me feel like a fool. Collecting all this hope and it gets wasted. Such a shame but it happens. Chaos currently describes my mind and heart. I have been told several times that it's not worth it and to give up. A part of me is super tempted to just say fuck it but another part wants to see change happen; wants to give it a chance. Because it's great when it's great but there's little things that add up to bad things. There's also big things that lead to total mistrust and hurt feelings. I hate hurting the people I care about the most to the point that I can't even give critique because I'm afraid it won't be accepted well. For the people I care about I will go above and beyond any means necessary. I feel that's the way you're supposed to treat loved ones. Be honest, be thoughtful, and always show your emotions no matter how rough because if they love you they will stick around. It's only the ones who care who can take you for the good and the bad. But what do you do when the bad and the good equal out? I've always heard to make a pros and cons list and if the cons win then that person loses, but what about if they're equal? Do you forgive and forget or let them go?
Maybe I don't know what love is but my version has always been being upfront, polite, caring, emotional, sentimental and nice. If you can't start with kindness then you have nothing in my opinion. I've always loved and I've always wanted to be loved in the way that I love. No conditions, no mockery, no lies and always with an open heart. I'm starting to feel like that's never going to happen though.
